Spring marks a time of renewal, a thaw from winter’s grip. The birds return from their winter holiday, and flora and fauna sprout from the ground (and those bitches have been on their knees since New Year’s).
Spring is also a time during which our hormones and our bodies awake, and we are a rampant mess! The flowers are spreading pollen, our buddies are spreading their legs, and our hormones (and hands) are pining for something more. We become a physiological train wreck. We spray from every orifice, from our nose to our “love below.” Is winter such a latent period of time that when spring comes, we come too? The “hormone smoothie” seems to have become the drink du jour.
At the gym, I recently noticed two beautiful women jogging on the treadmills next to each other. Both were picture-perfect and filled their sports bras well. And I knew they played for the “homo league.” Beautiful women jogging and bouncing – it sounds very “Man Show.” Anyway, next to them, three treadmills became available. To my left, three women on bikes motioned toward the treadmills. I was certain these women played for the “homo league,” too. In less than a minute, all three abandoned their bikes and raced to the empty treadmills, knocking over a waiflike blonde guy. I was amazed. They must have had a case of crazed cootchie! I wanted to applaud these ladies. All five conversed while jogging, and eventually all five left the together. How fun! I hope they hooked up and got their lick on!
Gay guys would never be so blatant and never so forward. In spring, guys only want to flaunt their bodies with less clothing and overpriced underwear. They become even more disrespectful to us average guys who buy moderately priced underwear. I always hope spring will bring at least one hottie to last me well into the summer, maybe longer. But for me, spring tends to bring only new porn releases!
Guys, when you feel the spring hormone rush, act on it. Learn from our sistahs – it’s OK to be direct and it’s OK to say what you mean. And mean what you say. One of my chat buddies from England said to me, “You cruise, you lose. It is rubbish, and you end up wanking alone.” How bloody true! So let’s stop staring at each other and speak! It is not rocket science. Otherwise, we’ll end up with nothing but calluses on our palms and expensive moisturizer for our dongs. Can I be any more direct?
Thank you for reading my column and writing me; I hope you enjoy my insanity. Remember to always love yourself, and then go shag another. Since spring is the season for rebirth and renewal, get busy! Toss the old tired crap! Whew – now I’m beat. I think I need a chocolate bunny to gnaw on. Licks to you all!
AH!! I’m going out of my freaking mind because of a crush at work! He makes me feel like a silly junior high school girl. I only see him a few minutes a day at work in the locker room. I see him watching me, watching him, watching me. I have no reason to talk to him. We work in different departments and have completely different work lives. It isn’t like I’m afraid of being fired for a relationship at work; we are both professionals and our employer can’t afford to do without us. How do I catch this crush?
What part of my rant didn’t you get? Stop bellyaching and quit acting so “high school.” Say hello to this stud, strike up a conversation, and go out for a coffee (or another beverage). Men are terrible about meeting other guys; we tend to feel threatened or we fear rejection. We often think other guys have a hidden agenda that we do not agree with. For example, when a guy acknowledges your presence, it does not mean he wants to do the “love limbo” with you. He’s just saying hi. The proper response is to return the favor. And do not behave like most homo boys by ignoring him or giving a fake smile!
Now, rejection is something different. We have a fear of “No.” Well, “No” happens. Deal with it. Not everyone wants to chat (believe me) or go out. So, move on – your energy is better spent on others who are interested in you (and who have good manners). So, remember to say hi, strike up a conversation, and go from there. If he doesn’t acknowledge you, move on. Now, stop staring and speak!
I am uncircumcised and I often have irritation around my head and foreskin when I masturbate a lot. Oral sex doesn’t cause it; I think it’s just from the rubbing. I need to masturbate at least once daily, so I never have a chance for it to really clear up. Is there some sort of protection I can use? Guys who are circumcised don’t seem to have this trouble. If that’s true, should I consider circumcision? I think I experience more sensation for being uncut, but I don’t know for sure. Guys tell me I am more attractive being uncut, and I find this to be true, too, because foreskin covering part of the head seems to turn guys on more. I notice this when I am at a nude beach or a gay bath. I’d like your opinion.
Dear Hot Dingy,
I say “drop it like it’s hot”… in someone’s mouth, that is. A good hot sausage is always tasty! As a precaution, I would consult a physician to make sure you have no skin allergies or infection. If the irritation is from masturbating once a day, I would seek the use of a lubricant. Selecting lube is like shopping for a car. Test drive different samples and then select the lube that works best for you. Most lubricant companies offer samples online.
As for getting circumcised, if you do not need to, don’t! Accept your body for what it has to offer you (and others). Men are way too obsessed with their dicks; take that energy and use it for healthier endeavors. Men who obsess over dicks only attract dicks. Need I say more? Now, go lube shopping and get slippery!
I started dating this guy that I met via the Internet. We met for dinner one evening and things went great; we hit it off well. On Valentine's Day ‘05, we shared our strong feelings for each other and decided we wouldn’t "date" other people. But when our sex life started to slow down, I suspected he was cheating. So I made up a different online screen name and decided to investigate.
One Friday afternoon he called me while I was at work to make plans for that evening. I told him I had some errands to do after work and that I would be at his house no later than 6 p.m. As we were talking, I could hear him typing. I thought, now is the time. So I signed on and started talking to him. (He didn’t know it was me). We went through the usual things and when I ask him if he was gay, bi, and single he replied, "very gay, very single." I just about had a bitch fit. He asked me if I wanted to come over "now" and I told him that I could be over around 6. He said that would work and gave me his address.
I was almost in tears. I mean, this guy is telling me he loves me and that he wants to spend his life with me, and I get this? As I'm leaving work at 5 p.m. he called my cell and told me he needs to run a few errands himself and for me to be at his house at 7 p.m. Hence, that would give him enough time to get some booty. Ever since this happened, I have distanced myself from him. He is always asking me "what's wrong"? I have the chat saved for proof. What should I do?
Looking for "TRUE" Love
OK, Secret Agent Man, remember it takes two to tango, and you only get what you deserve. If your paranoia and suspicion cause you to play like a spy, beware the results. And in your case, your results were to be expected.
So now what? You’ll need to confront the situation and genuinely communicate how you feel, which is what you should have done in the first place. Let him know that this hurts you, and that’s the reason for your distance. Also, if you feel the relationship is worth salvaging, spend the energy to do so. You both must find out what the other needs physically, emotionally, and sexually. Then act upon it.
As far as dispelling your fear and paranoia goes, you need to do this if you are ever going to trust him again. Relationships are like investments; when you have a “down market,” you need to decide if the investment is worth keeping. Or is it time to move to another investment? Invest your time wisely and genuinely. Whatever the outcome may be, it will be well worth it in the long run. Keep the faith.